Absolute Guitar Victory

So, last time we examined Guitar Fails and how to succeed whereas today it's all about snatching defeat from the jaws of victory -- knowing the path to glory and giving it the big "Fuck You, Dude!"

Fuck songs. It's all about the distortion, blazing notes, noise, and solos.

You cannot get enough distortion. More. Distortion. Fuzz. Overdrive. Boost.

Fuck the other guy. Playing in a band will only detract from the Me Time. Get a looper and maybe a drum machine if you're the type of player that needs to keep time.

Look at me.

Do not get a band going; bands waste time and they never lead to anything anyways. Just play at home and record your distorted self. Virtual bands will live on in eternity anyways, unlike physical bands populated by jerks.

Chords? Whatever.

Theory? For eggheads. There are 12 notes, just play them all. Play them all at once. Hit record and roll your guitar down a flight of stairs.

Read Kierkegaard.

Scrapes, squeals, pings, whatever, are just as valuable more valuable than notes.

Anybody can play notes. Play smear.

You need a third bridge. Four if you're a trust fund baby like Henry Kaiser.

You need 5,000 pedals....mostly distortion boxes (and ring modulators).

You need offset bodies. Tele = exception. Mostly the ironically-named Jazzmaster which was never used to play jazz. Besides, you don't need theory so count jazz out except for noisy punk jazz which is just noisy punk.

You must stay away from curly maple as if it were the plague. Stick to black. Maybe sunburst if you're a hipster.

Scrape most the paint off. If you get a sunburst guitar, scrape all the finish off down to the bare wood. Much better.

If you are a trust fund baby and you have any curly maple spray paint it black.

It's all about the gear with the authentic vibe. What is Nels Cline or Fred Frith playing?

Listen to Japanese noise rock. Only. Or punk.

Hang out with these guys.